Warning: This is about motherhood, nursing, and tears...so if you don't care about babies, breastfeeding, and the trials of motherhood you probably don't want to continue reading.
You were warned
I am a huge advocate for breastfeeding. I did it for 13 months with Shepard and intended on doing the same with Madi. She has made other choices....but let me back up.
When I was pregnant with Shep, I asked everyone "Isn't nursing strange? How does it go from a playground to a work facility?" I wasn't sure I could do it or if I even really cared. I remember people saying "its natural, it doesn't hurt (liars!) and so I was going to give it a go. It was really hard the first 2 weeks. Felt like someone was paper cutting me every time he nursed. I asked lots of moms and they agreed. The whole "it doesn't hurt" is just not true. But it went away and I came to really enjoy that time. It made me sit down, put my feet up and relax. Shep was great, a very good nurser and we were both ready to quit at the same time. At 11 months, I quit pumping and just nursed in the morning and nite. Then a month after his first bday he lost interest and I was done too. It was perfect. With Madi I figured it would go the same, but it has been different since day 1. She was born with lots of fluid and nursing was hard for her. I had an over abundance this time though, and actually donated 750 ounces to the milk bank. For a while things seemed to go well. She got a little better with nursing, but with all her tummy issues I had to start her on formulas to eliminate breast milk allergies, milk protein allergies, lactose intolerance etc. I had to change my diet, then I was back to work full time and back on birth control- suddenly my milk decreased, but she had to take some formula so it wasn't a big deal. She still has never been that good at nursing (drink, cry, drink drink, yell, drink scream, drink drink talk) but I was determined. Its the best thing for her, we bond, and oh yeah, its free. I was going to make it to 1 year.
Today changed that. She has been sick, stuffy and grumpy. At 4am she acted like she wanted to nurse. I wasn't sure if she was really hungry or just wanted comfort food, but I put her in my bed and let her nurse. Then she bit me with her two little bottom teeth. Hard. I yelled no, and let her try again. She nursed, then bit. Again I told her No, loud. She knew she was bad. She started to nurse again and well, she looked me right in the eyes and bit me. I told her no and didn't let her nurse for a few minutes. She was upset and after she calmed down I let her try the other side. Big mistake. She bit me harder than the other times. That was it. She got a bottle. Today when I pumped it had to dump it out of that side because it had blood in it. All day. So I was hoping that was just a grumpy baby being bad and tonight I (fearfully) went to nurse her when I got home from work. That is the norm. Happy mommy baby time. 30 seconds in she bit me. I cried. Not because it hurt, but I wasn't really prepared for it to be over. I know I can still pump and give her that, but there is just something special about nursing, plus, she is my last baby. Its pretty final. The thought of that makes me sad, and I don't even really want more kids. I am so happy with what I have. I guess I should have know something like this would happen since Madi has been my problem child even while in utero. I just wanted the perfect little ending I had with Shep. So nice, easy and both of us were ready. Ugh. I love this little girl, she is going to be trouble.....
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