02.26.2016- Day 2

 Thursday the surgeon met with Meemaw but her bloodwork levels were off and they wanted to wait. I got a call that day from Shep's school. He was having a heart episode, his first since his heart surgery the previous summer, and the nurse said she needed to talk to me in private. So on the way to his school I called Meeamw and talked to her the whole time. We talked about Shep's ADHD and some of the emotional issues he has had and his heart. Then I got there, picked Shep up and took him back to work. Of course, I called Meemaw and talked to her about what the nurse said. She is worried about depression. With Shep it has been a concern for a few years but mostly a side effect of his heart meds and not something I have seen since surgery. He does have anxiety issues, which are also better, and the nurse was concerned about side effects of Shep's ADHD meds. Meemaw was a pediatric RN and so we discussed it and both felt it isn't his ADHD meds, talked about his heart (he was having lots of PVCs that day and they always make him feel off) and different concerns we have about Shep. That night I was going to go to Dallas and see her, but I didn't. The weather in DFW had been terrible. Snowing off and on for days. Shep was still feeling kind of off and I just didn't know about driving over there. Meemaw said don't drive over just stay with the kids. We all talked in the phone for a long while. Shep had written a letter to Meemaw that day asking her to get better. He read it to her. Madi talked to Meemaw about all sorts of stuff. Meemaw asked if I saw the braids she saw on her facebook page and I tried to explain news feeds to her. Lol. Sammy talked to Meemaw and said he was glad this didn't happen at our house (a few years before she had a mini stroke/heartattack at our house.) and they laughed about her rolling down our front yard that one time. She apologized for getting hurt and messing up Shep's Bday. I told her don't be silly. I asked if she was visiting the hospital bar because she was slurring her words. She laughed and said she knew she was slurry and had just asked for another drink. I told her I loved her and get rest for her surgery Friday. Knowing what I know now, I wish we would have gone to have those conversations in person. I had been around for most of Meemaw's medical visits/hospital stays and I wish I would have been there. Who knew...I really didn't think she would die from a broken femur. This stubborn women whose regular MD jokes and said "Juanita, I didn't think you would still be around" She lived through so much. Never in a million years did I think that phone call would be one of the last. 

02.25.2015- Day 1

Wednesday, February 25, 2015 started out like a pretty normal day. We had snow days on Monday and Tuesday but everything was good to go Wednesday. Meemaw had a hair appointment that day in Keller and was staying with my Aunt in Dallas. Those two loved to stay up all night so I called Meemaw mid morning to make sure she was awake and getting ready for her appointment. When I called her cell, my Uncle answered and said Meemaw had just fallen down while getting ready. They were trying to figure out what to do and if the ambulance needed to be called. I called Bekah to cancel Meemaw's appointment and told my Aunt and Uncle to keep me posted. She ended up going to the hospital via ambulance and they said Meemaw broke her femur and would need surgery. We talked that night about what the rehab would be and how it would all work. The surgeons were going to meet with her in the morning and probably do surgery the next day. She was upset that she wouldn't be able to go to Shep's birthday party that weekend but told me we needed to still have it. It was going to be at an indoor pool with a lazy river- Meemaw's fav! She was in good spirits and everything seemed as good as can be expected in those situations.  It wasn't a super big deal. We had no idea what a big deal it would truly be the next 2 days

Mother's Day Tears

I have said it before and I will say it over and over again; I am so happy God gave me the opportunity to be a mom. It has taught me so much. Aside from love, hurt, sorrow, happiness, fear, nervousness, helplessness, pride, joy, hope, trust, and faith, it has taught me about God's love for us. I know how much I love my kids and He loves us so much more. As much as I would do anything for my children, He would do more. He gave His only son to die so my family and I can have everlasting life. Shepard and I talked this morning before Church about the responsibility Mary had. What it must have been like to be Jesus' mom! Watching Him grow up and watching Him die on the cross. We talked about how hard that must have been as a Mom. Moms face plenty of challenges. Every single day there is some sort of challenge, between my little Sassypants and Shep questioning everything....the rewards of hugs and kisses are so worth it though. I am so happy God gave me this amazing opportunity to be a mom. He is trusting me to raise these two beautiful, smart, funny human beings, teach them about His love and grow them up to share His word. It is hard to even put into words how awesome it feels to know He has chosen me. I truly love being a mom! 

This Mother's Day is a little tough for me though. Actually for the whole family. Meemaw went to be with the Lord a little over 2 months ago and Mother's Day is a reminder of that. I am usually good about sending cards to my mom, Meemaw, aunts, mom-in-law etc with decorated envelopes and whatnot, but I didn't this year. Not that I didn't want to, I just couldn't. Every time I try to venture into the card isle at the store my eyes tear up, my heart begins to race, and I feel sorrow setting in. I guess because every time I took Meemaw to the store we had to go to the card isle. She was so good about sending people cards for every occasion, even no occasion. We spent a lot of time together looking at cards. So for this year I apologize. I am sorry that I couldn't be in the card isle long enough to pick out cards. Hopefully next year I will have this card thing under control! 

 I am so thankful to the women in my life who helped me become the woman I am today. Mom, Meemaw, Aunt Laura, Aunt Mary, Aunt Kathy, even my little sister, Megann. I owe so much to you all for helping me be the mom I am. The love, wisdom, and laughter we have all shared has given me so much to share with Shepard and Madison. And to the ladies on Sammy's side of the family who joined my life a little later, Judy, Jennifer, Rebecca, Aunt Judy, Aunt Trisha, Gunga, Grandma Helen, Bonnie, Caroline, Laura and all the others- I am so glad God put you in my life! It is wonderful having so many women to love and pray for one another. A big Happy Mother's Day to all the Moms, Aunts, Grandmas, Great-Grandmas, Great-Aunts and special ladies in our lives 

I never knew

I have to say that the loss of my Meemaw has introduced me to a lot of feelings. The hurt I feel is like no other hurt I have ever felt. I am pretty clumsy so I know hurt! Lots of broken bones, torn and stretched ligaments, surgeries, you get the picture. Physical pain. And I have a pretty high tolerance for pain. Emotional pain I have also known. Madi was a sick baby. Couldn't sleep, threw up everything, couldn't poop, and was always crying. I wanted to make her better and tried everything. After lots of Dr appointments, ultrasounds, talks of surgery and lots of medicines she was finally better around a a year and a half. then Shep started having heart episodes. More Drs, talks of surgery, medicine (with a terrible side effect of depression) and heart monitors. Madi had a seizure for an unknown cause about this time so trips to neurology, seizure testing and blood work. Shep started having more episodes. Mentally I was probably at a breaking point. I did see a doctor and I got on medication- I am not gonna lie, I was kind of a mess at this point in my life. I prayed a lot and let God know I trusted Him and just needed peace! He answered and I did have peace but I still worried. As a mom you want to help your children and see them healthy. I had lots of fights with Drs who were kind of dismissing about some of Shep's heart issues. I took my frustrations, exhaustion and stress out on Sammy and it was tough sometimes. Marriage is not easy- add in kids with medical issues and it can be hard. I finally got some answered, Shep had his surgery and all has been pretty well. I got off my medication and had been feeling amazing. Not stress free, the kids have both been pretty sick, Shep has had a couple of possible heart episodes and we are trying to budget for Disney World. So stress is still present in its normal family form, but I have been in a pretty blissful state the last several months. Then Meemaw fell. 

I had set up an appointment for Meemaw to get a perm. Bekah is such a good friend- Meemaw is the only person she did perms for. So I called Meemaw the morning of Wednesday Feburary 25 to remind her. We talked every morning so it wasn't out of the norm. I told her to make sure they leave early from Dallas (she was staying with my aunt) there was still some ice and snow on the roads. We talked about my work and yada yada yada just like every day. 

I called around 11 that day- I wanted to ask Meemaw if I should go ahead with Shep's party that weekend since the weather was going to be bad. Uncle Ric answered her phone and said Meemaw just fell and couldn't get up and wouldn't make it to her hair appointment. I told them call the ambulance and he said they were going to give her a minute and would. So I hung up, let Bekah know Meemaw wasn't coming and waited. I should have left work and gone to help but Uncle Ric and Aunt Laura were there and I knew it would take a while at the hospital so I waited for updates. She broke her femur- right at the head of her bone where it fits in the hip. I talked to Meemaw that night and told her she shouldn't be falling down, asked why elderly always break their hips and just gave her a hard time. We laughed about the time she fell at my house when Sammy and I were first moving in- she rolled down our front yard and that is how we met our neighbor Danny. Wasn't funny then but a memory to look back on and laugh now. We talked and laughed as usual. Thursday the surgeon met with her but her bloodwork levels were off and they wanted to wait. I got a call that day from Shep's school. He was having a heart episode, his first since his heart surgery 8 months ago, and the nurse said she needed to talk to me in private. So on the way to his school I called Meeamw and talked to her the whole time. We talked about Shep's ADHD and some of the emotional issues he has had and his heart. Then I got there, picked Shep up and took him back to work. Of course, I called Meemaw and talked to her about what the nurse said. She is worried about depression. With Shep it has been a concern for a few years but mostly a side effect of his heart meds and not something I have seen since surgery. He does have anxiety issues, which are also better, and the nurse was concerned about side effects of Shep's ADHD meds. Meemaw was a pediatric RN and so we discussed it and both felt it isn't his ADHD meds, talked about his heart (he was having lots of PVCs that day and they always make him feel off) and different concerns we have about Shep. That night I was going to go to Dallas and see her, but I didn't. The weather in Dallas had been terrible. Showing off and on for days. Shep was still feeling kind of off and I just didn't know about driving over there. Meemaw said don't drive over just stay with the kids. We all talked in the phone for a while. Shep had written a letter to Meemaw that day asking her to get better. He read it to her. Madi talked to Meemaw about all sorts of stuff. Meemaw asked if I saw the braids she saw on her facebook page and I tried to explain news feeds to her. Lol. She apologized for getting hurt and messing up Shep's Bday. I told her don't be silly. I asked if she was visiting the hospital bar because she was slurring her words. She laughed and said she knew she was slurry and just asked for another drink. I told her I loved her and get rest for her surgery Friday. I called her Friday morning on my way to work- we really did talk almost every morning. She didn't answer. Sometimes she was asleep and I had to call again- so I did. And again and again. No answer. I lost it. Couldn't stop crying because I couldn't talk to her. Aunt Laura called me a few minutes later and told me the surgery was off because Meemaw didn't feel "right." So I talked to Meemaw and asked her why she wasn't having surgery. She needs to fix her leg. She told me she would and she wants to do it but today she just didn't feel right. I asked if she was ok, she said yes but she just doesn't feel right. Again, I should have just not gone to work and gone to her. For some reason I didn't. I thought it was ok. I thought she just had a broken leg and I would go see her that night or on Saturday with the kids. Yeah. So I didn't go. It snowed. A lot. That evening I talked to Sammy about us going and not long after that I got a phone call that I need to get to the hospital, they are moving her to ICU and she isn't responding to anyone and won't wake up. We left immediately. It was a long drive. Not just because of the emotional but the roads were covered in ice and snow. It took and hour and a half to get there, normally about an hour drive. As we pulled in the parking lot, my Uncle said get inside now. We walked in met him at the elevator and when we got to the 2nd floor he said I should probably run. I did. I saw the blue light flashing above her room. She had coded. When I walked in the room the Dr and nurses were all standing there, they gave her an injection of bicarbonate to help with the acidity since her kidneys weren't functioning. That was what caused her heart to stop working. She was breathing on her own but they put an oxygen mask on her and since she has a DNR there wasn't anything else they could do. I told her the kids were there and went to get them. Shep held Meemaw's hand and Madi told Meemaw a story about how some boy in her class loves her. They stayed in for a few minutes and gavr her hugs then went back to the waiting room. Not long after that Meemaw passed away. She waited for the kids and I am so glad. The Dr came in and said she wasn't responding to the meds anymore and they took her off the IV, mask, etc and we watched her die. They called time of death 10:21 pm. They let us be alone with her and I don't even know how to describe the sounds that came out of my body. I felt punched in the gut, I couldn't breathe and I had tears and snot covering my face. Aunt Laura and I had already made calls to let family know it didn't look good but now we had to make THE call. It was hard. I could barely breathe and now I had to tell my mom, her daughter, that Meemaw died. And I had to tell my Aunt Kathy. And Mary. Aunt Laura called Uncle Jim. And then we were told we have 4 hours to do something with Meemaw's body. They don't have a morgue at the hospital!?!?!????? Meemaw wanted to donate her body to science, she had told us that for years and had talked about wanting to donate to Baylor College of Dentistry  because she had a rare mouth disease called Lichen Planis. So now, in the moment of weakness, pain, disbelief, I am trying to figure out how to get in touch with the college and have her body picked up. We figured it all out and they came to pick her up around 4am. Sammy and I headed back home. 

We still planned on having Shep's party the next day. She had made it very clear that Shep's party was to go on with her surgery and what not so we were going to do it. Unfortunately the place we were having his party cancelled due to the terrible weather. I did an impromptu party at the house with just family. I wanted a party but couldn't handle guests. And with the roads the way they were I doubt anyone would have come. But we all got together. My mom was in town, Aunt Kathy flew in, Uncle Ric and Aunt Laura, Megann, and us. We got lots of presents- we didn't want Shep to associate his birthday and Meemaw's death. He already has emotional issues.... 

The last few weeks have been tough. Driving to work I have cried most days. I am so used to calling her. I have been grumpy. I don't mean to be but I can tell I am quick to anger. I didn't take time off work, I figure staying busy is good. We will have a memorial for her later in the year and I will take time off then. I can't put into words how bad I miss her. Last week I went to the Hallmark store. I don't know why. I only go there with Meemaw on our shopping days. I walked in and was hit with anxiety, grief, panick. I walked around for a minute but it felt like the world was closing in around me. Seriously. I felt like everything was closing in around me, I couldn't breathe, and my throat felt like there was a fire ball inside of it. I left. Yesterday I was looking at birthday cards and there was a birthday card for grandmothers. I started getting that feeling, knowing I would never buy a card for her again. She loved cards. Today I am having a terrible time. Not sure why but I am. I love writing and decided I need to put my pen to paper, or fingers to keyboard I suppose. Some days are good, some days are not. I just pray, try to do the things I know she would want me to do (spends lots of family time) and remember the good times. I am starting to write letters to her in a journal I found that has Phil 4:13on the outside and different scripture on each page. She was a parent to me, not just a grandma. I grew up with my mom, Meemaw and sister on 33 acres outside of Rockport. I lived with her pretty much my whole life. She came and lived with us for 2 years after I had Shep and 2 years when I had Madi. She usually stayed with us a month or two every year. I talked to her everyday. 

I feel pain, emptiness and sorrow. I know I am not the first to feel this way, or the last. I know my whole family is hurting. I know Meemaw is having a blast in heaven. I know that she loved us all so much and wouldn't want us to be sad. I know God has a plan and He needed her. She lived a wonderful full life and I am so glad I was able to have her as long as I did. 

Trash In, Trash Out

How time flies...My kiddos are getting so big and every day is just so amazing. After the shooting I just really thank God for my healthy, safe children. Shepard is such a good big brother. He is always annoying Madi with too many hugs. I personally think it is a great way to be annoyed. Better than them fighting! Madi is a sassafras (that is what my mom called me) Oh that child. I will say something to her and she will give me the long drawn out "mooooooooom" or the "what mom." She is so sweet though and just randomly says "I lub ew mom." She does love her big brother too. I guess I am just surprised at how well they get along. I was expecting a lot more fighting. Its only an issue when Shep wants to play with his legos or puzzles in peace. HA! What is "in peace"?
I have been thinking a lot about a topic from church camp 1996ish or so. I don't remember the verse, but it was Romans and the theme was Trash In, Trash Out. Now being young I hated the idea of being limited on what I watched or listened to. Not that I had much freedom. My mom wasn't super strict, but we had limits. As an adult, I have kept and increased those limits on myself. I don't watch any movies along the horror/killer/devilish subject. I don't even understand how or why these films are made. How can anyone want to sit and watch it. There is so much of it in the world, and people want to watch people being violently murdered. It really makes me sick. I am by no means perfect. In all honesty, I love Twilight. It is questionable on the Christian level, but for the most part it is non-violent. Even stuff on the prime-time disgusts me. Language, subject matter, provocativeness. I tend to just watch kids shows because I don't want something awful popping up on the screen. I don't want my innocent babies exposed to things they don't need to be. Shep accidentally saw the news for a few minutes after the shootings. We had explained a small, delicate portion on a kid level of what happened to him already. I did not want him to see how or where it happened. He tends to fixate on things and keeps it in his mind for months. A few days later he took a play broom with him to bed and said "this will hit hard." I asked what he planned on hitting...he said "a bad shooter guy." I just prayed for God to put his little mind at ease. I can't protect my children from everything in the world, but I can try to limit the amount of trash that goes in. I hope my efforts will limit the amount of trash that goes out.

Time....

So it has been a while since I have had a minute to blog. I really don't have a minute now, but the dishes aren't going anywhere! The last few months have been pretty good. It is amazing to see my beautiful kids grow so fast. Shep will be 5 in 3 weeks. I really don't know where the time has gone. I remember him being just a little thing...Now he is so big! He talks about things like college, marriage and moving away. Seriously ?!?! Its kind of funny though. Madi, well, she is a hot mess a usual. She catches on to things so fast. I don't know if it is a girl thing or second kid thing. I just can't believe the things she says and does. She is 16 months going on 16 yrs for sure. I see a future of trouble. Lots and lots of trouble :)
One thing that has been bothering me is the size of Keller. I love where we live, but I have been thinking alot about how Sammy and I grew up. Small beach town, 1000 kids in our high school (the only one in town), everyone knew pretty much everyone. There was playing time to be had by most on the field and a friend in every class. I started thinking, Keller has 4 high schools and there are like 1000 in every grade. It isn't a bad thing, but I don't know if that is what I want. I could never move back to Rockport. Love to visit, but it is a little boring. So I started thinking of some towns on the outskirts of the area. Not like we are moving anytime soon but we do want to upgrade a little...LOL. Just like me, start worrying about Shep in high school and he isn't even out of Pre-K yet!!!!
Well, life is calling. It has been very busy the last several weeks. I have been trying to take it easy since my surgery, and luckily Aunt Laura stayed with me one weekend, my mom came up one weekend and my Aunt Mary came up the next. They have been super helpful...but for whatever reason my house can't stay clean for more than 5 minutes! Off to do some chores :)

Dogs, Parrots and Sugar lump...the love of my life

Her full name is Sugar Loo DeBolt Burr. (Sammy adopted her when we got married : >) I joke with Sammy that if someone came in and said they were either going to shoot Sugar or shoot him that I would opt that he get shot...he has a much better chance of living than Sugar would. Hopefully they only shoot him in the arm or something. But he knows I love that dog. I sing about her, to her, for her. You know the song "lolly pop, lolly pop oh lolly lolly pop", well, I sing "Sugar lump, Sugar lump, oh Sugar Sugar lump." (I have songs for each of my dogs) I got Sugar as a present for myself for my 19th bday in 2000. I saw her on my weekend shift at the humane society and had to have her. Cutest little 3lbs I ever saw, and the best $65

 I spent as a poor college student. Well, she has lost some weight, her eyes have gotten a little cloudy, she has an old lady wart on her forehead...signs of aging. She wasn't acting herself the last few days so I took her in. His words were she looks great for being a geriatric dog. She still has great sight, her weight is good, heart sounds great and no issues. Maybe the kids fed her something that didn't agree with her. That is all great news...except I don't want to think of her as geriatric. That means old. Like nursing home and nearing the end of the tunnel. I got Sugar at an important time of my life. I was making some really important decisions about myself and who I wanted to be. Sugar went everywhere with me. I mean everywhere. When Sammy and I started dating, he knew Sugar was part of the package. She was a part of ou

r wedding rehersal (would have been in the wedding, but he drew the line there.) She sleeps with me every night and knows just when I need a kiss. I love all of my dogs, but Sugar is special. I can't imagine being without her. It makes me wonder when God made dogs and parrots, why do the parrots get to live for 90 years and dogs only 15 or so?

 I know when she is gone I will lock myself in the closet and cry for several days. Sammy threatens to buy a new puppy right away but that won't help. I hope she lives for a good 5-7 years more. I will get her a doggie wheelchair for her bad knees if need be...and a ramp for the bed. For now she runs fast from the kids, jumps fine on my high bed when its time to cuddle and still likes to play from time to time. Oh how I love my Sugar lump!