Cleaning out the closet



piles of memories...



Today I went through Shep's old clothes I had in space saver bags in the attic. I have some friends from work that have young boys and figured I would pass along some of his cute clothes...but it is hard! I have been good about cleaning out Madi's stuff every time she goes to the next stage in clothes. I just box them up and send them to my friend in Indiana. I try not to think about it or dwell. I am quite sure I would be a hoarder if I wasn't a sensible person. I like that Niecey Nash always says "things aren't the memories, you still have the memories without the things." Sometimes it is nice to have the things so I always save a few of my favorite outfits :) 

 I pulled out this little 6 month old outfit and held it up to show Shep. I said "look how little you were!" He said "Mom why are you crying?" (which I wasn't, but was using a sad voice) "Well, you used to be so little and lovey. I just miss you being so small and you are getting big too fast." He put his pizza down and came over to where I was sitting on the floor. He sat in my lap and put his arm around my neck. "Mom, don't be sad. It is ok that I am getting big. I love you bery much" and he gave me a big kiss and went back to his pizza. Somewhere around the "bery much" I felt some tears in my eyes but held them in. Think I might be suffering from a slight case of PPD  or extreme over exhaustion. Either way, I'm a hormonal mess. Poor Sammy! Last weekend I cried for 2 hours because the plant nursery didn't have the vines I wanted. It wasn't really the vines but they started it. First, I was upset because I was going to have to postpone the back garden. Then I started thinking of the time I wasted going to two places looking for them. Then I started thinking of all the things I could have done in that time, or just have spent it with the kids. Anyhow, it was a downward spiral. So I looked up PPD in my "what to expect the first year" and it mentioned it usually happens in the first few months but can occur when weaning due to hormonal changes. Well, that may explain it. Ugh! Almost anything can set me off these days!  



I am so blessed with my little family. Shep is my sunshine and Madi is my little angel...They love each other so much. I am always amazed. So many people have told me their older child asked if they could send the other one back to the hospital. Not Shep. He asked me when would I get another baby in my belly. I told him I wouldn't and he got kind of sad. He said he wanted us to have another baby. LOL. Mommy is done! So he turned to Madi and gave her a kiss :) I love those sweet kids. Madi is pretty much crawling. I think she will do better at walking though. She keeps getting on her tippy toes. Shep is too smart for his own good! I wish I had more time with them......











The joys and sorrows of motherhood

Warning: This is about motherhood, nursing, and tears...so if you don't care about babies, breastfeeding, and the trials of motherhood you probably don't want to continue reading.

You were warned

I am a huge advocate for breastfeeding. I did it for 13 months with Shepard and intended on doing the same with Madi. She has made other choices....but let me back up.
When I was pregnant with Shep, I asked everyone "Isn't nursing strange? How does it go from a playground to a work facility?" I wasn't sure I could do it or if I even really cared. I remember people saying "its natural, it doesn't hurt (liars!) and so I was going to give it a go. It was really hard the first 2 weeks. Felt like someone was paper cutting me every time he nursed. I asked lots of moms and they agreed. The whole "it doesn't hurt" is just not true. But it went away and I came to really enjoy that time. It made me sit down, put my feet up and relax. Shep was great, a very good nurser and we were both ready to quit at the same time. At 11 months, I quit pumping and just nursed in the morning and nite. Then a month after his first bday he lost interest and I was done too. It was perfect. With Madi I figured it would go the same, but it has been different since day 1. She was born with lots of fluid and nursing was hard for her. I had an over abundance this time though, and actually donated 750 ounces to the milk bank. For a while things seemed to go well. She got a little better with nursing, but with all her tummy issues I had to start her on formulas to eliminate breast milk allergies, milk protein allergies, lactose intolerance etc. I had to change my diet, then I was back to work full time and back on birth control- suddenly my milk decreased, but she had to take some formula so it wasn't a big deal. She still has never been that good at nursing (drink, cry, drink drink, yell, drink scream, drink drink talk) but I was determined. Its the best thing for her, we bond, and oh yeah, its free. I was going to make it to 1 year.
Today changed that. She has been sick, stuffy and grumpy. At 4am she acted like she wanted to nurse. I wasn't sure if she was really hungry or just wanted comfort food, but I put her in my bed and let her nurse. Then she bit me with her two little bottom teeth. Hard. I yelled no, and let her try again. She nursed, then bit. Again I told her No, loud. She knew she was bad. She started to nurse again and well, she looked me right in the eyes and bit me. I told her no and didn't let her nurse for a few minutes. She was upset and after she calmed down I let her try the other side. Big mistake. She bit me harder than the other times. That was it. She got a bottle. Today when I pumped it had to dump it out of that side because it had blood in it. All day. So I was hoping that was just a grumpy baby being bad and tonight I (fearfully) went to nurse her when I got home from work. That is the norm. Happy mommy baby time. 30 seconds in she bit me. I cried. Not because it hurt, but I wasn't really prepared for it to be over. I know I can still pump and give her that, but there is just something special about nursing, plus, she is my last baby. Its pretty final. The thought of that makes me sad, and I don't even really want more kids. I am so happy with what I have. I guess I should have know something like this would happen since Madi has been my problem child even while in utero. I just wanted the perfect little ending I had with Shep. So nice, easy and both of us were ready. Ugh. I love this little girl, she is going to be trouble.....