I had set up an appointment for Meemaw to get a perm. Bekah is such a good friend- Meemaw is the only person she did perms for. So I called Meemaw the morning of Wednesday Feburary 25 to remind her. We talked every morning so it wasn't out of the norm. I told her to make sure they leave early from Dallas (she was staying with my aunt) there was still some ice and snow on the roads. We talked about my work and yada yada yada just like every day.
I called around 11 that day- I wanted to ask Meemaw if I should go ahead with Shep's party that weekend since the weather was going to be bad. Uncle Ric answered her phone and said Meemaw just fell and couldn't get up and wouldn't make it to her hair appointment. I told them call the ambulance and he said they were going to give her a minute and would. So I hung up, let Bekah know Meemaw wasn't coming and waited. I should have left work and gone to help but Uncle Ric and Aunt Laura were there and I knew it would take a while at the hospital so I waited for updates. She broke her femur- right at the head of her bone where it fits in the hip. I talked to Meemaw that night and told her she shouldn't be falling down, asked why elderly always break their hips and just gave her a hard time. We laughed about the time she fell at my house when Sammy and I were first moving in- she rolled down our front yard and that is how we met our neighbor Danny. Wasn't funny then but a memory to look back on and laugh now. We talked and laughed as usual. Thursday the surgeon met with her but her bloodwork levels were off and they wanted to wait. I got a call that day from Shep's school. He was having a heart episode, his first since his heart surgery 8 months ago, and the nurse said she needed to talk to me in private. So on the way to his school I called Meeamw and talked to her the whole time. We talked about Shep's ADHD and some of the emotional issues he has had and his heart. Then I got there, picked Shep up and took him back to work. Of course, I called Meemaw and talked to her about what the nurse said. She is worried about depression. With Shep it has been a concern for a few years but mostly a side effect of his heart meds and not something I have seen since surgery. He does have anxiety issues, which are also better, and the nurse was concerned about side effects of Shep's ADHD meds. Meemaw was a pediatric RN and so we discussed it and both felt it isn't his ADHD meds, talked about his heart (he was having lots of PVCs that day and they always make him feel off) and different concerns we have about Shep. That night I was going to go to Dallas and see her, but I didn't. The weather in Dallas had been terrible. Showing off and on for days. Shep was still feeling kind of off and I just didn't know about driving over there. Meemaw said don't drive over just stay with the kids. We all talked in the phone for a while. Shep had written a letter to Meemaw that day asking her to get better. He read it to her. Madi talked to Meemaw about all sorts of stuff. Meemaw asked if I saw the braids she saw on her facebook page and I tried to explain news feeds to her. Lol. She apologized for getting hurt and messing up Shep's Bday. I told her don't be silly. I asked if she was visiting the hospital bar because she was slurring her words. She laughed and said she knew she was slurry and just asked for another drink. I told her I loved her and get rest for her surgery Friday. I called her Friday morning on my way to work- we really did talk almost every morning. She didn't answer. Sometimes she was asleep and I had to call again- so I did. And again and again. No answer. I lost it. Couldn't stop crying because I couldn't talk to her. Aunt Laura called me a few minutes later and told me the surgery was off because Meemaw didn't feel "right." So I talked to Meemaw and asked her why she wasn't having surgery. She needs to fix her leg. She told me she would and she wants to do it but today she just didn't feel right. I asked if she was ok, she said yes but she just doesn't feel right. Again, I should have just not gone to work and gone to her. For some reason I didn't. I thought it was ok. I thought she just had a broken leg and I would go see her that night or on Saturday with the kids. Yeah. So I didn't go. It snowed. A lot. That evening I talked to Sammy about us going and not long after that I got a phone call that I need to get to the hospital, they are moving her to ICU and she isn't responding to anyone and won't wake up. We left immediately. It was a long drive. Not just because of the emotional but the roads were covered in ice and snow. It took and hour and a half to get there, normally about an hour drive. As we pulled in the parking lot, my Uncle said get inside now. We walked in met him at the elevator and when we got to the 2nd floor he said I should probably run. I did. I saw the blue light flashing above her room. She had coded. When I walked in the room the Dr and nurses were all standing there, they gave her an injection of bicarbonate to help with the acidity since her kidneys weren't functioning. That was what caused her heart to stop working. She was breathing on her own but they put an oxygen mask on her and since she has a DNR there wasn't anything else they could do. I told her the kids were there and went to get them. Shep held Meemaw's hand and Madi told Meemaw a story about how some boy in her class loves her. They stayed in for a few minutes and gavr her hugs then went back to the waiting room. Not long after that Meemaw passed away. She waited for the kids and I am so glad. The Dr came in and said she wasn't responding to the meds anymore and they took her off the IV, mask, etc and we watched her die. They called time of death 10:21 pm. They let us be alone with her and I don't even know how to describe the sounds that came out of my body. I felt punched in the gut, I couldn't breathe and I had tears and snot covering my face. Aunt Laura and I had already made calls to let family know it didn't look good but now we had to make THE call. It was hard. I could barely breathe and now I had to tell my mom, her daughter, that Meemaw died. And I had to tell my Aunt Kathy. And Mary. Aunt Laura called Uncle Jim. And then we were told we have 4 hours to do something with Meemaw's body. They don't have a morgue at the hospital!?!?!????? Meemaw wanted to donate her body to science, she had told us that for years and had talked about wanting to donate to Baylor College of Dentistry because she had a rare mouth disease called Lichen Planis. So now, in the moment of weakness, pain, disbelief, I am trying to figure out how to get in touch with the college and have her body picked up. We figured it all out and they came to pick her up around 4am. Sammy and I headed back home.
We still planned on having Shep's party the next day. She had made it very clear that Shep's party was to go on with her surgery and what not so we were going to do it. Unfortunately the place we were having his party cancelled due to the terrible weather. I did an impromptu party at the house with just family. I wanted a party but couldn't handle guests. And with the roads the way they were I doubt anyone would have come. But we all got together. My mom was in town, Aunt Kathy flew in, Uncle Ric and Aunt Laura, Megann, and us. We got lots of presents- we didn't want Shep to associate his birthday and Meemaw's death. He already has emotional issues....
The last few weeks have been tough. Driving to work I have cried most days. I am so used to calling her. I have been grumpy. I don't mean to be but I can tell I am quick to anger. I didn't take time off work, I figure staying busy is good. We will have a memorial for her later in the year and I will take time off then. I can't put into words how bad I miss her. Last week I went to the Hallmark store. I don't know why. I only go there with Meemaw on our shopping days. I walked in and was hit with anxiety, grief, panick. I walked around for a minute but it felt like the world was closing in around me. Seriously. I felt like everything was closing in around me, I couldn't breathe, and my throat felt like there was a fire ball inside of it. I left. Yesterday I was looking at birthday cards and there was a birthday card for grandmothers. I started getting that feeling, knowing I would never buy a card for her again. She loved cards. Today I am having a terrible time. Not sure why but I am. I love writing and decided I need to put my pen to paper, or fingers to keyboard I suppose. Some days are good, some days are not. I just pray, try to do the things I know she would want me to do (spends lots of family time) and remember the good times. I am starting to write letters to her in a journal I found that has Phil 4:13on the outside and different scripture on each page. She was a parent to me, not just a grandma. I grew up with my mom, Meemaw and sister on 33 acres outside of Rockport. I lived with her pretty much my whole life. She came and lived with us for 2 years after I had Shep and 2 years when I had Madi. She usually stayed with us a month or two every year. I talked to her everyday.
I feel pain, emptiness and sorrow. I know I am not the first to feel this way, or the last. I know my whole family is hurting. I know Meemaw is having a blast in heaven. I know that she loved us all so much and wouldn't want us to be sad. I know God has a plan and He needed her. She lived a wonderful full life and I am so glad I was able to have her as long as I did. 
